Today is May 18th. My little boy would've turned 9 today. There is no way to count the number of tears that have been shed for this little baby. EVERYDAY is hard, every little boy you see is a reminder of what could've been, every "little man" haircut, pee wee football game, Peyton playing in the yard alone, it's really hard! Especially the week of and the day he was born. Some people like to say rude things like at least it happened before we were attached to him (YEAH RIGHT) and my favorite thing to hate is, "Everything happens for a reason" Even if it does, it is not comforting for parents who have had to call a coroner, give their baby his first and last bath, placing his lifeless little body in the infant warmer so that we could keep him with us all day, pick up his hospital pictures when you should have been taking him to his 1st month check-up, drawing out a headstone and trying to get it just right because there is no going back, my milk coming in the day of the funeral (which I think back to how I seemed to be watching myself from above (self defense mechanism or Xanax???), and my brother-in-law crying while he gave the sermon and really struggling to get through it, My Uncle Tracy carrying him to the grave sight and placing him at his final resting place and the regret that there was no big tent but it was too late to get one. He was 7lbs. 3 oz. and 21 3/4 inches long! Pretty big for a baby that was 2 weeks early. I always said that was because he would've been tall like his Uncle Troll and a football player like his daddy (if his spazzy mom would've even let him play!!!lol) His hair was dark black and his eyes a hazy blue (they would've turned green like his mommy's although his daddy protests that!), and beautiful. The hospital pictures were beautiful and sad but my brother-in-law took beautiful pictures at the funeral home that I am eternally gratetful for, Troll if you ever read this, you have NO IDEA how grateful I am for those pictures EVERYDAY of my life!!!!
I am also grateful for my beautiful little girls that I am madly in love with! They will never take his place but no one could ever take theirs! It seems as though it has gotten easier to the point that some people probably think we rarely think about it, but he was our baby just as the girls are and every bit a part of us. We loved him in August 1998 when we found out he (it) was coming, and we love him today, missing from our home but never missing in our hearts!!!!
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3 comments:
I've never been there Stacey, but I know you must have such a void in your heart as well as a powerful hurt. I pray that God will give you the peace you need and that He will remind you ever so gently that your little one is with Him. Thank God for the pictures and memories that you have. Hold them close and trust Jesus.
Hey, girl. Haven't been on here for awhile but managed to get on today. I want you to know that we don't forget Dalton. Every time May is coming it seems we pray harder for you guys. We don't know your pain but we do want you to know that we've not forgotten him even though we never got to meet him. We're anxiously awaiting the day when we get to see him run into our arms and holler "Uncle Troll and Aunt Gwen are here!" Sorry I didn't get on here earlier as this might have meant more that day. We love you guys and can't wait to see you.
Stacey, thank you for your comment on my blog. I had to cry when I read your post about your precious baby. It is such a comfort to know where our babies are, isn't it? Even though we miss them and wish things could have turned out differently. Somehow time helps to heal the hurt somewhat, but we will never forget them. God understands our tears. Praying that He will give you a peace that passes understanding, just as He has promised.
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